I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
