If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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