found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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