I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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