Your dad touched me again.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
