she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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