I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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