there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
