his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
