did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
