I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
