I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
