Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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