Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments