Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.