wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.