I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Who put my cat in the fridge?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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