My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
