He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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