Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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