OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
