Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Randomize
