I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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