Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
