1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
