my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize