I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.