Are we in a gay sports bar?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
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if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
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Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.