Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
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Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner