i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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