Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
