Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
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today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
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so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno