Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.