I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
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She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
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Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.