seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
