new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
