What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
