i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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