Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
