I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
