I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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