Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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