I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize