Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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