My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
whose ass print is on the piano?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
