if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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