The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I am available for nakedness
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
