i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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