I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
