well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
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You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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