Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
