how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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