WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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