i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
