Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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