I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
