if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
