cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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