just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
