update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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