Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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