I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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