my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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