I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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