Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
