Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
